Friday, December 19, 2014

Why Will I Never Have a Girlfriend?

Why don't I have a girlfriend?
This is a question that practically every hetrosexual male has asked himself at one point or another in his life. Unfortunately, there is rarely a hard and fast answer to the query. Many men try to reason their way through the dilemma nonetheless, often reaching a series of ridiculous explanations, each more self-deprecating than the last: "Is it because I'm too shy, and not aggressive enough? Is it my opening lines? Am I a boring person? Am I too fat or too thin? Or am I simply ugly and completely unattractive to women?" When all other plausible explanations have been discounted, most fall back on the time-honoured conclusion that "there must be Something Wrong™ with me" before resigning themselves to lives of perpetual chastity.#After a short period of brooding, of course, these males will eventually come to the realization that the real reason they were never able to get a girlfriend is that they were too discriminating with their attentions. They will consequently return to the dating scene, entering a sequence of blasé relationships with mediocre girls for whom they don't really care, until they finally marry one out of fear of spending the rest of their lives alone. I am convinced that this behaviour is the real reason for today's alarmingly high divorce rate.
--Not the author, though. I, for one, refuse to spend my life brooding over my lack of luck with women. While I'll be the first to admit that my chances of ever entering into a meaningful relationship with someone special are practically non-existent, I staunchly refuse to admit that it has anything to do with some inherent problem with me. Instead, I am convinced that the situation can be readily explained in purely scientific terms, using nothing more than demographics and some elementary statistical calculus.
Lest anyone suspect that my standards for women are too high, let me allay those fears by enumerating in advance my three criteria for the match. First, the potential girlfriend must be approximately my age—let's say 21 plus or minus three or four years. Second, the girl must be beautiful (and I use that term all-encompassingly to refer to both inner and outer beauty). Third, she must also be reasonably intelligent—she doesn't have to be Mensa material, but the ability to carry on a witty, insightful argument would be nice. So there they are—three simple demands, which I'm sure everyone will agree are anything but unreasonable.
That said, I now present my demonstration of why the probability of finding a suitable candidate fulfilling the three above-noted requirements is so small as to be practically impossible—in other words, why I will never have a girlfriend. I shall endeavour to make this proof as rigorous as the available data permits. And I should note, too, that there will be no statistical trickery involved here; I have cited all my sources and provided all relevant calculations in case anyone wishes to conduct their own independent review. Let's now take a look at the figures.

No. of people on Earth projected to 03/13/08 at 20:55 GMT (EST+5) is 6,656,496,856
We start with the largest demographic in which I am interested—namely, the population of this planet. That is not to say I'm against the idea of interstellar romance, of course; I just don't assess the prospect of finding myself a nice Pluto or NS-66 girl as statistically significant.

…who are female: 3215698964
under 15 years: 1.064 male(s)/female
15-64 years: 1.024 male(s)/female
65 years and over: 0.781 male(s)/female
total population: 1.014 male(s)/female (2007 est.)
Assuming a conservative estimate this comes out to be:
[1/(1+1.07)]*6,656,496,856=3215698964
I'd've thought that, given the title of this essay, this criterion goes without saying. In case anyone missed it, though, I am looking for exclusively female companionship. Accordingly, roughly half of the Earth's population must be discounted. Sorry, guys.
…in so called "Developed" and "Developing"countries: 1607849482
We now further restrict the geographical area of interest to so-called non-underdeveloped or non developing. My reasons for doing so are not motivated out of contempt for those who are economically disadvantaged, but rather by simple probability. My chances of meeting a babe from Bhutan or a goddess from Ghana, either in person or on the Internet, are understandably low. In fact, I will most likely spend nearly my entire life living and working in India or can be in touch with girls from North America, Europe or Australia but surely not Armenia, Somalia, Aziziza or Azerbaizan.


…currently (in 2008) aged 18 to 25: 78478899
Being neither a pedophile nor a geriatrophile, I would like to restrict my search for love to those whose age is approximately equal to my own. This is where things get a bit tricky, for two reasons: first, the census data is nearly eight years old, and second, the "population by age" tables in WP/01 are not separated into individual ages but are instead quantized into "15–19" (of whom there are 47472000) and "20–44" (population 258087600). Women aged 15 to 19 in 2001 will be aged 22 to 26 in 2008;
Similarly girls aged 10-14 will turn 17-21 by 2008 in this group, I'm interested in dating those 18 or older, so, assuming the "11-14" girls' ages are uniformly distributed, I have some more choices add up by now.
I did not find any authentic data about 11-14 age group so will narrow down to age 22 and above. BTW don't you think a 25 Yr old moron is too old for a lovely 18. but 44 will do fine for me as I am personally inclined towards older woman but still I will cut them off

Similarly, of 2001 "20–44" category, there are now



Summing up =78478899.6 Formula shown above represent old data and are for demo purpose only to sum up the concept the total sum was multiplied by 1.2 the factor by which the world population has grown since when the formula was written.
Now comes the real Gaussin Distribution.



…who are beautiful: 1785395
Personal attraction, both physically and personality-wise, is an important instigator of any relationship. Of course, beauty is a purely subjective trait whose interpretation may vary from person to person. Luckily it is not necessary for me to define beauty in this essay except to state that for any given beholder, it will probably be normally distributed amongst the population. Without going into the specifics of precisely which traits I admire, I will say that for a girl to be considered really beautiful to me, she should fall at least two standard deviations above the norm. From basic statistics theory, the area to the left of the normal curve at z = 2 is
and so it is this number with which we multiply our current population pool.




…and intelligent: 472106
Again, intelligence can mean different things to different people, yet I am once more relieved of making any explanation by noting that it, like most other characteristics, has a notionally normal distribution across the population. Let's assume that I will settle for someone a mere one standard deviation above the normal; in that case, a further
of the population must be discounted.


…and not already committed:141632
I could find no hard statistics on the number of above-noted girls who are already married, engaged, or otherwise committed to a significant other, but informal observation and anecdotal evidence leads me to believe that the proportion is somewhere around 50%. (Fellow unattached males will no doubt have also noticed a preponderance of girls legitimately offering, "Sorry, I already have a boyfriend" as an excuse not to go on a date.) For reasons of morality (and perhaps too self-preservation), I'm not about to start hitting on girls who have husbands and boyfriends. Accordingly, that portion of the female population must also be considered off-limits.

Discounting Lesbians and Bisexuals:128756
According to latest studies 8%(and increasingly increasing) of world population is homosexual and assuming 50% of those are female homosexuals. A rough figure counts to about 5% bisexuals among females. so discounting these 9%.



…and also might like me: 20421
Naturally, finding a suitable girl who I really like is no guarantee that she'll like me back. Assuming, as previously mentioned, that personal attractiveness is normally distributed, there is a mere 50% chance that any given female will consider me even marginally attractive. In practice, however, people are unlikely to consider pursuing a relationship with someone whose looks and personality just barely suffice. Let's make the rather conservative assumption, then, that a girl would go out with someone if and only if they were at least one standard deviation above her idea of average. In that case, referring to our previous calculation, only 15.8655% of females would consider someone with my physical characteristics and personality acceptable as a potential romantic partner.


Conclusion:
It is here, at a pool of 20421 acceptable females, that we end our statistical analysis. At first glance, a datable population of 20421 may not seem like such a low number, but consider this: assuming I were to go on a blind date with a new girl about my age every week, Now this population of girls comprise of age group 22-44. Also simple law of exponential decay =(1/e) says that time constant of a LR or RC circuit is measured in terms of its charge /current decayed to 67% so let us assume that 33% area in 1/e grapgh is uselss for me.
I would have to date for 4191 weeks before I found one of the 20421 . That's very nearly 80 years.
As a North Indian Drunkard,Chain Smoker and Share Market Maniac my life expectancy is arounf 65 Years. So by the time I find her I will be dead and so will be she

Monday, November 11, 2013

The Crusader Against Corruption

Mr. Crusader

I went to that office in Logic Park in my regular bid to sell a Life Insurance Policy or two, but chanced to meet this Mr. Crusader. Lately being an Activist or the Crusader Against Corruption in India is the new big thing. Look mate, you gotta be a Crusader else you are an outcast, you are not a true Indian and so on and so forth. Although this Mr. Crusader did tell me that he does work in that office, but it's not his true identity. He emphasized that in real sense he is a 'Crusader'. But one has to earn a living, so in his free time called a permanent job, he does 'even this' - 'even this ' means writing code and rewriting excel sheets.
He carried an Aura of crusaders. The Halo was missing but curly hair, very fair, eyes so blue, lovely too, 37 stickers, statistics of all the scams on fingertips, information about all exit polls-- all these suggested that if Brahma would ever hate corruption and Vishnu ever decides to re-incarnate as a Crusader, it would be him. In a jiffy, I was in his boat. Sir, you are the crusader, our second last hope against this war against corruption. You are petty coder just because of some petty calculation mistake up above in the Heavens. I am sure they are working on it. Soon a patch will be released and that Halo will show up.
I had sales targets flashing. My job is to sell Life insurance and I will frigging sell it to dead man with a pending death certificate. I was well aware of the Insurance Sellers' Code of Conduct to talk to the Crusader clan. According to Article 7(g) sub-section (iii)  of this CoC --

7(g) (iii) If any Crusader himself mentions that he is an Activist and no later than sooner he will give up his job to become a full time Activists Against Corruption, always believe him. (And this decision will be taken in a democratic way. You can vote whether or not Crusader should quit the job at www.indiaagainstjobs.com or can SMS Y @4209211)
Declare him the biggest crusader of all times. If possible say that you can even see his halo. Even compare him with some IITians. Just sell the frigging Policy. You can hit the bulls eye if your conversation contains 'Lokpal' this word more than 37 times.

I had my complete paper work with me. All I needed was the crusader's signature and a mandate to  debit his account by some ( read handsome) amount.
I followed the CoC. Talked to him about the plight of India and how her present ruling class has become so tyrannic and shameless. I learnt about how hard he prepared for IIT. How he made it to the best private college of Karnataka. And how it happens in United States. (As I had never been there but still I said that they have some great crusaders against corruption there and you and your movement should also think of expanding your service to the States). I learnt how Singapore and Hong Kong got rid of corruption overnight.
I was doing good. He almost signed the documents.
Sir, now you can save full one lakh under 80 C
'Listen, ' he called me. "Do you know someone who can provide me fake rent receipts of  15K per month?"
'Yes sir, there is a shop next to your Crusade Against Corruption head office. Everyone buys it from there ....'
I started my scooter. The spare stepeny wheel-cover read -- 'Crusade Against Corruption'


Thursday, September 19, 2013

9006 error while upgrading to iOS7 ... iOS upgrade failed ... service unavailable

This is nothing new. Every-time there is a new iOS update from Apple, this 9006 ghost flares up. Following are the quick reason and remedies as I gathered from different fora. I had to try them all before hitting success.

1. It might be the storage space to start with. 990 MB for the update to download and and another 1 GB for update to run. For the safer side set aside at least 3 GB.

2. Turn all the cloud backups off. It silently goes to iCloud, if your settings say so. Don't run upgrade and backup in one go. Do it one by one first backup. Then upgrade.




3. Try closing the iTunes. Getting and update and old windows gimmick the restart :). It has worked for some. Remember there is an iTunes upgrade also released today (18/09/13) for OSX 10.8.5

4. Try disabling any antivirus or third party security software or traffic monitors. We have seen similar problems during iOS5 upgrade too. Apple might be silently redirecting you to its additional service mirrors (I am not definite on that but I think so) that your monitoring software might not like.

5. Next thing is checking for default http(80) and https(443) ports on your router. The ports should be enabled and access should be allowed. (If you have never messed up with your router, probably you can skip this step)

6. Check for any firewall blockages on *.apple.com. (star).apple.(com) should be allowed.

7. Due to the peak load experienced by Apple (which might continue for another 12 hours) there are chances that your downloads are corrupt. So you might want to start all over again and delete any existing downloads (most probably they will be corrupt and the reason behind 9006 error).  Delete any unfinished downloads at following location
Mac OS X
/Library/iTunes/

 
Windows 7 

C:\Users\[username]\AppData\Roaming\Apple Computer\iTunes\
 

Windows XP
C:\Documents and Settings\[username]\Application Data\Apple Computer\iTunes\

 Look for your device updates in the folder and delete any unfinished or (finished) downloads.

NB: If trying over the air i.e directly from your iOS device also does not work and you see something like the second screenshot, it can generally be a network issue. You might be stuck up with a screen like this





This is 99% a network problem. Ensure that you perform step 7, go out for a lunch. Come back and try again.

Happy Upgrading 

Thursday, June 3, 2010

How not to boil eggs...

As an addendum to my older posts I think that it is my fundamental duty towards All Boys Association to impart some further expensively-experiencive ideas not to try while cooking. Good news for someone who is looking for something which is not-vegetarian. As usual, following my methodical and programmatic approach to cooking, here come I with the following project plan.

1. Never ever go to Poundland. They surely have contacts with the big manufacturers and vendors. They sell you cheap chefs to spoil expensive broth.

2. Okay, if you decide to go there then don’t buy their ezee- egg boiler. If you are a mechanical engineer by any chance, it is the right time to shift to Bobcox-Wilcox or Locomotive boiler. Believe me they are a better bet even to boil eggs. And see what? You can produce energy too as a by product so turn the turbine or hose an engine.

3. Say if you bought one, think thrice about returning it. Donate your pound for charity(for your own charity) cause you are going to need it more and more.

4. Suppose you brought it home, think tetrice about boiling eggs with it. Why not paint it real good and create your own modern art and place it in your living room? What about putting marbles in it and hang it at your entrance like a storm-chime. (Please... you cannot call it wind-chime. Wind will not even shake it a theta degrees)

5. If you have bought it, brought it and finally decided to boil eggs...still you can have the last laugh. What if you don’t own a microwave? You’re real lucky. Thank for the day you decided not to buy it. Go, go and dance and play and trance.

6. If you are reading point no. 6 guys...welcome to the league. Put eggs on the tray, fill lower half of the EZEE EGG BOILER with water (as directed in the instruction manual), place it in the microwave, turn the knob, and set the timer to 5 mins. Make your way to the chopping board chop 5 onions in 5 minutes. That is what time slicing is all about. You multi tasking man!!!

7. Phaaaaaattttttttttttttt! Gosh! you chopped only 2.45 onions. What is this sound? Did my tracheal tube burst?? Mom said smoking will burst your lungs one day!!! God relieve me of my sins here comes thee.....I am alive, aha! After all smoking in the kitchen is not blasphemy. You cannot kill me for that...thou Good God. Then you look at the microwave, it was not yellow. You bought it snow-white..okay off-white was what you turned it into. Still yellow is too mean. Open it-triinngg wow you just invented an egg-bomb. Strong enough to kill your maid. Now remember what Poundland sold you- some kitchen towels, washing liquid, cleansing cloth and deodorizer. Use them all....call 08XXXYYYZZZ. Pizza hut, hello one large pizza serves 2 and gets thrown for two. Home delivery--- 4, Egg-burst lane, post code EGG CRY.

8. Now, fellaaaas time for mathematics. One pound worth of egg boiler costs you 1£ worth of itself +10p worth of kitchen towel+10p for washing liquid+ 10p for cleansing cloth+10p worth of deodorizer+10p worth of electricity+10p worth of bio sac+10p worth of phone call+14£ worth of alternate food+ you throw that boiler back to bin. They will recycle its non-biodegradable plastic. Saw through the trick—who pays them underhand – from EDF Energy to Pizza-Hut.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Maggi

Maggi
Maggi is yet another underrated word, topic or civilization whatever you call it. I don’t see an as diverse a word, a simile, an oxymoron, a hyperbole. If you require statistics you can very well wiki about it but this two minute noodle revolution has revolutionised the current India and Indians. The brand is as popular as ‘Dalda’ or ‘Nirma’. You call vegetable ghee Dalda, whatever brand you are buying. Nirma has become synonymous to washing powder; similarly Maggi has become synonymous to quick to cook noodles.

It all started with Badi Gazab ki Bhookh Lagi .. the juveniles of early nineties in India accepted it as a taste changer but gradually it became a part of their serum. Now you don’t see those ads because they are not required. They don’t need to woo anyone. Rather than a verbose para on the qualities of Maggi we would like to peep through its life cycle.

Maggie has been a very strong reason behind my existence and others’ too. You can only appreciate it if you have eaten food cooked by me.

1. Maggi is a civilization in itself. Who knows like Neanderthals or Caucasians, some umpty million years from now we might be known as Maggi Eater Civilization.

2. Maggi is a great relationship saver. There are so many couples and Flatmates around the world who are indebted to Maggi for maintenance of their adhesive or cohesive forces.

3. The Maggi is one of the root causes of India’s economic upturn. There are so many Doctors, Scientist, Engineers and Professionals around the world who got their education from far off places because of this Maggi. Imagine would Mom Mayadevi send her child Chintoo Pandey to ‘Ram Bharose Maiku Lal College of Engineering, Technology and Research’ to study Electronics and Communication Engineering in absence of Maggi. Because of Maggi she had no worries. Her kid will not die of hunger. it is a different story altogether so as to Mr. Chintoo takes how many semesters to pass an Octa-Semester course. Maggi is a reason behind sleepful nights for many a Mothers.(*The names used above are just used as common nouns and author does not intend to target or malign any Caste, Creed, Religion , Sex or Institution)


Salient Features

1. Maggi can be eaten, swallowed or gulped raw, cooked or half cooked.

2. Its masala can be taken on the left palm and you can use index finger of your right hand to lick it for hours. It’s the same taste every time. Only a very few other licks are as likable as this lick.

3. Some people have a unique way of eating it. Crush the Maggi in the packet itself. Mix masala in it and shake it well so that it gets homogenously mixed. Now enjoy no cooking, no gas, no pan, and no utensils to wash.

4. If you have decided to cook it, the Microwave route might be the easier one. Although if you believe in unwashed pan reuse, you can go to the pan route also.

5. Whatever be the route, Maggi is best eaten in the pot it was cooked. You can hold the Pan or the Microwave Bowl by its handle and roam around in the living room, watch TV and enjoy it.
I think when Maggi was born it was written in its destiny thou shalt be eaten in the same pot in which you will be cooked.

6. There is no restriction on amount of water. If less it is called dry Maggi if more it is called soup Maggi. It preserves its taste in all forms of matter solid, liquid or gaseous.

7. Maggi is a great leveller. From peon to the CEO all eat, cook and like Maggi in similar ways. It has a unique style for getting eaten. It hangs itself on one end of the fork and its noodles slide and some of them also drop from the fork. In this process the masala water or so called curry of Maggi drips drop by drop from the end point of its hanging noodles. It is the time when you put your other hand as a scoop beneath these hanging gardens of Babylonia and swwwoooop all the tiny droplets of Maggi masala water. This is an immense pleasure and only the one who does it knows it.


I think my life is very short to write hymns and praise of Maggi. But one should do it every morning to pay tribute to the driver of this civilization. Well, right now I have got an idea to write a Maggi-Chalisa’ and it will be available to all Maggi lovers.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Don't Write an Essay on Cow

Cow is a wonderful world(yes not word). Since ages cow has been exorbitantly used for n number of purposes but the most important being 'for writing essays'. Had cow known that she is so important a subject to write essays on, she would have demanded the Noble prize by now. So many a stories so many a characters, every day, every night, on weekends on weekdays, in vacations, in homework ,in classwork have written, are writing and will, till eternity write essays on cow. She is of meta vital importance for some of the State Boards in Northern India.


She is the driving force behind the livelihood for so many teachers in pathshalas. She is the cause of the failures of so many students in Primary, Secondary and Middle-School. She has fetched so may students , good grades in the school and eventually laid the foundation of their Scholar-hood. Because of her so many students have lost their faith in the education and turned back to their parental business.


But see the plight, she does not know that she has four legs, two eyes and two ears. Her tail-fan is uses to keep away flies and her bull-tuned kids are used to plough fields. Even her skin is used to make leather. And her flesh is belly-filler for most of the non-Hindu population of the world.


It is good that strike-fiasco has not reached her community yet. Because the day she starts noticing that she has become so vital for continue keeping this planet on its axis, she will start demanding equal rights. She will demand her representatives in the Education Board, Food-Corporation, Agriculture-Board and eventually the International Cow Equality Rights Demands Forum will be in place. They will demand their fair share in the Economy. It is the high time that the human civilization should start paying attention to their silent demands … lest they should call a worldwide strike...


And guys .. no more essays please ….

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Being Suprem Trivedi

So guys somebody is back and back without bang. New Year is almost a month through and so are the clutches of my derailed life. So many people have always accused me of writing fiction. So a word for them. This is truly me, me and nobody else. Call it soliloquy, call it self-deprecation, call it whatever it calls for. I have been wobbling for long under the covers of disclaimers; but now the time has come to shackle the shackles. Gone...gone...gone there they go.
1. A friend calls me to be more precise a male friend. I am on silent. Screen reads 11 Missed Calls. Dial *131# on my mobile, screen reads ‘Your Balance is 0 Pounds and 0 Pence’
2. Bought an echo drive for 8000 INR, told its cost 2000 at home cause dad won’t like it. Irony – papa Trivedi says, ”Aag lagate hain paise mein, ghadi bhi kahi 2000 ki aatee hai!!”
3. The ghadi bought in point 2 has not even been worn 8 times. Its echo drive cell is discharged, reason it slept in darkness in the deepest corner of my so called wardrobe between some unwashed undies and bundies.
4. The mobile talked about in point 1 is used to keep a watch on time and not calling.
5. Wake up at 8 O’ clock, reach office at nine. Commuting time is 50 mins, I am all fine.
6. You see someone, remember her face, also pass a smile, thought she might be a nurse at your local NHS. She sits two cubicles next to you.
7. You wont hire a cab cause it costs 15£, you lose your 35£ booking cost, you go to a pub, have 5 Double JDs with soda@7.50 per peg
8. You have 12 lakhs one loan, 5 lakhs another loan, 70 thousand another loan, 7 credit cards of almost diminished limits of a lakh each, your overdraft is 800£, your friend asks you 5000, your SBI credit card reads 35000 C instead of 30000 C.
9. You write this much, you accidently close your winword. God bless auto save feature of MS Word.
Mind it!! its not easy being Suprem Trivedi

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Gazab Diwali!!

Gazab Diwali!!
This Diwali was different. Even differenter than the diffrenetest. People and especially girls sorry women have already planned that what they have to wear for the day. Even I belive, the gold to be worn was calculated till the third place of decimal.
But this ‘somebody’ who surely is the protagonist of the story has something else in store for us.
Diwali morning:
‘Abe mere kapde machine se nikale the?’
Kyon tere baap ka naukar hoon?
Abe sale itna sa kaam bhi nahin kar sakte ho! I said you in the night. What will I wear today?
Then he takes out one..two..twelve..fifteen shirts. All have been worn at least thrice. No probs, trousers will do fine afterall they ought to have beneath the table all d day. Okay so just wash the collar, iron it to dry and put on a sweater. And finally God! Accept the sacrifice of this deo.
Now comes the crackers.
All the scrupulous and intelligent people had already bought the crackers and other stuff. Okay somebody did not buy but resorted on my flatmates. And this was an act of mutual resorting. By the evening all have parted their ways. Now somebody is feeling haunted in the house. Okay buy crackers or go to the fire show. Lets eat something. Rasogullas, chhole, matar-pulaav, something something.
Fridge is empty,
some butter, a few tablespoons of curd, 1kg salt, 1 kg sugar, chick pieces (chana and belive me only there were a few pieces)
Now tell me an instant recipe with above ingredients. Sorry had an egg and a few cucumbers too.
Okay will buy something , or go outside. Door-Open, courage froze. Snowing and raining till numbness. Will better try my luck into cooking
So decision is to make a scrambled egg with chana, cucumber and curd put into it. It was also decided that the gas will be used first time as scrambled egg does not fit into the scheme of microwave.
It was a midway between the final product, that one of my cooking mentors arrived. ‘ye kya kar raha hai, pagal ho gaya hai, diwali ke din anda khayega’. Somebody heard the voice from the deep well, it sounded like an echo in an empty belly. ‘Haan!’
Ruk kuch karte hain!!!
Mentor uncle tries to light a burnor, and wwwwrrrrooooooommmmmm. This was the first cracker although he fired it but ‘Somebody’ created it. The oven knob was on and somebody was thinking that ‘egg takes too much time too cook.’ Ya they do , on an unflamed burnror...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Back with a bang

So guys (and of course a very few girlz) somebody is back – and back with a bang. Don’t remember last time kab main aap hazraat se mukhatib hua tha. But things ‘ve changed and changed a deal. Market ghus chukka hai and so is somebody. Cigarette ne maa-behan kar rakhi hai. 7 pounds ki cigarette somebody does not know how long will he survive. But one has to for Rozi and Roti. Well somebody’s got roti and Rozi ... Ram jane. By the way Rozi was last spotted with Ram.

This time I am not suffering from the problem of scarcity but the problem of abundance. I have so much to update but I am meddled. Some lessons – back is the preacher.

1. Try to avoid reading ‘Ved Prkash Sharma’ or ‘Reema Bharti’novels like ‘Hatyara Sasur’ or ‘Bigdail Bahu’ or ‘Vidhva Ka Pati’ in a long distance flight. You should better try to switch to something from say what a a a a.... !John Grisham. It is not that you will be perturbed by the squinting eyes of your fellow travellers. Hey man – Ved Prakash Sharma fans don’t care...... But but but the problem is severe. What if you just spent 5 hours to read a novel(some guys are real fast, believe me) and then you switched on to a repository Hollywood movie. ... and then you find out shah!!! You just read a movie. Man! There is limit. Did you think that your readers will never have an access to Hollywood movies?? Still luv u guts!
2. It is unfair to ask a man that how’s he surviving in London when you know that he survived successfully in Teliarganj, Chennai, New Delhi, Gurgaon, Noida, Mumbai, Andaman CA and even in the Octopus Land. This is not ‘Watashiva Ha Ha’ or Linloo Chintaoo.
3. Don’t be over-joyous to take a middle seat with females on either side without knowing that one is lefy and other is righty and both are well equipped with giant make-up kits. Karo-Karo in handbags ka kuch karo....

Hey and at the last—don’t ever ever keep your baggage open even in a hotel room even if you are paying 45 pounds per night. Mice really love Britannia Good Day from India and your favourite Blackberry Trousers too. It is when that you realize the Council warning on the wall is not useless..... there are ao many more to follow

hey one last one never leave your laptop back home .... Somebody left his laptop back home. Look what did he bring in his laptop bag two jackets and two inners.. poor man god bless him. This might just cost him in excess of 650 pounds.....some more to follow....for... next one

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Titleless Updates

~~To doston Rakshabandhan hansi khusi guzar gaya. All I had to do was to part with my six months savings and sell some (infact I am left with some) shares of Ambani Brothers for . Both (not Ambani Brothers) of them started with different likings one liked pendent and other did chain. They were happy till 4PM. Then the likings reversed. Chhutki started liking Badki’s pendent and vice versa. UN was forced to sit on the Judgment seat of Vikramaditya. LOC was drawn. Shimla Agreement failed. Till 6 PM neither India nor Pakistan wanted control over Jammu and Kashmir. Now they wanted Burma and Vietnam which were reject at the showroom.

ð Moral of the story.
ð Never shop with two sisters at a shop which has a six day exchange policy.
ð Never show your I card to proudly avail a 10% discount. A discount of 10% can inflate your bill by 100%.
ð One of the countries at war might win but UN peace personnel always gets killed.

~~Now some updates from the Couch Potato. India TV is betting high on the demolition day. Dunno its some 4 years from now. May God hear them? Please!!! Becoz there is no other way to shut ‘em up. Big Boss is back and so is Sahara Samay. Bindass is airing ‘Shark’ for some umpteenth time. I voted for Hum Apke Hain Kaun from on DD1. While I was trying to engulf the movie with water, they told me that they have cut the pie into three pieces and If I wanted the third and the last piece I need to meet them same time same channel tomorrow aur dekhna padega apna pasandeeda program 'Bioscope'. Point taken My Lord! Will wait Thy Blessings.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Experience is Truth Belief is Myth

~~What's the most tolerable of them all? A) Mayawati's oratory skills at full throttle. B) A 43.75 years old DD News anchor trying hard to inform you. C) A gol-mol clean shaved Baba like creature with weight and age both equal to 85 preaching something to himself. D) Discovery Channel on India TV. This is what you get when you return from the office @2 AM and accidentally sit on remote in process to find a sleep. Well my answer is E) A French movie on HBO.

~~Throwing some light on that Baba, I believe he was shot during an sting operation because he has no clue that he is on TV. BTW if you ever get up early or get as lucky as me, feel free to get blessed on Bindass.

~~If some one remembers TB6 (that Russian channel which used to clear our fundamentals every Tuesday night when we were kids: Don't remember the exact name). I think these Bindass guys are taking a revenge on them.

~~Now some good news, this month I have been reaping money out of share market. One of my major investments is quadrupled in six months. And by sheer(not a spelling mistake) trading (shorting SUZLON and NIFTY) I already earned more than a month's salary. So will settle dues on my ICICI 'Platinum' Card. 'Platinum' I said was not qualitative but quantitative so now only cards with outstanding dues are ICICI Gold, ICICI Kingfisher, ICICI Silver, Citibank Gold, SBI Gold, SBI Railway, ABN AMRO Freedom, ABN AMRO Gold. After settling them I have decided to use only on card the BARKLEY one which I am going to apply for.

~~At last one question. How do you make your sister believe that love is the most expensive gift; that too two days before Rakshabandhan? Or how to initiate a fight with her so that she does not speak to you say for next two weeks? I desperately need answers....even 3-4 days will suffice.

~~At the very last one answer. Never try to blog @night I mean dawn believing that it will help you sleep. The situation worsens...experience is truth belief is myth.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Singh is King is Chhi Thing

After Kabul and Babul I am really but unwillingly forced to write about this Chhi Thing.

1. This is really a shit of a movie. I generally don't use such words but I cannot help it.
2. It becomes shitter when you are ordered to watch this @10:45 in the night and you know a awful lot that there are no sweet surprises waiting for you within and outside the theater.
3. It becomes shittest when you receive this call at 10:30 while sitting in a nice sports bar and just finished your third round of electric shots.
4. It becomes holy shit when you reach the theater and learn that the house is full (your and your friend's house are already full)
5. It becomes holier shit when you are happy to depart as you again started thinking about the fourth and fifth round of electric shots but out of nowhere a guy comes and offers you two tickets.
6. It becomes holiest shit when you have to pay rupees 230 for that extra ticket; you don’t have that much cash and the other holy handbag has everything except cash or cards. You then finally break your vow of not using that Credit Card again.
7. It becomes cow dung when no sooner do you realize that you have your mobile charger in your pocket than the security personnel finds it. Then he re-searches you and finds a match-box; then a pack of cigarettes; then some chlormint and mahalacto.
8. It becomes bull dung when at last he asks you to open your wallet and finds something which you don’t remember when you last used but is enough to cause you embarrassment and a smile on his face. He asks you deposit it; you are too discharged to argue because the billboard reads “People under the influence of Alcohol will not be allowed.” But tell me guys why did he ask to deposit it, I mean never heard about that kind of a bomb. But to all you bomb makers try this novel bomb. Blow two birds with a bomb.
9. It becomes an admixture of all types of shit when you watch a movie without a story, forced ill-humor, typecast acting, senseless editing, useless action, awful romance and retina killing lights flashes and dresses accompanied with another swipe of your card for some green juice(I really don’t wanna know what they call it), sweet corn, nachos, two large pepsies(I never wanted one for myself) and again a awful lot of popcorns. I mean how can you have sweet corn and pop corn in one go and even then you are on a diet.
10. What it becomes I don’t know when someone says “Wow, what a movie.”
“Bachna Aye Haseeno bhi 15th ko release ho rahi hai uskee advance booking kara lenge”
11. It becomes a disaster when you reach home and get a call “The house is not full”

Monday, August 11, 2008

MSE-The School Days- Hopeless Creature

My enmity with Manish was about two years old, when we were in fifth standard. Since then we did not talk to each other. Infact, we changed our home so there was no reason seeing him again. But now all of a sudden he was in front of me. I gave him a half smile. He offered me a seat next to him.

“Kid, do you remember this scar you gave me” he said pointing to a big mark behind his ear lobe.

“Ya” I replied with a thanking smile.

“Friends” he said. We shook hands.

Thus I became the lone kiddish member of his group of big bullies. It was like instant oxygen to me. Now no one can deny me notes or the practice material. He even helped me by getting my work done by some chintoo creatures by bullying them. Now my only problems were on the studies front. I did not understand English. My writing speed was slow. My class work as well as home work was incomplete. My copies were unchecked. And moreover it was the fundamental right of every teacher to scold me. Most of the times I attended the class sitting on the floor. Teachers would come and ask about the homework, classwork, copies and other things and then order me to sit on the floor and complete my work. While other students of my kind used to hesitate but I was never ashamed. I would come out shamelessly take some hasty steps to my marked corner and cross my legs and leisurely sit on the floor. I loved this punishment because I could get a bird’s eye view of whole class from here. I could tease my tease my buddies, pass on some teethy smiles to some of the prettiest girls, and put my pen in mouth and day dream about whatever I wanted. I believe this was the time and instance which later on turned me into an addictive day dreamer. One more reason why I liked this punishment was that it did make a lot of my class-girls laugh. They would not talk to me but at least could laugh at me. Slowly but steadily I was becoming notorious (although I believed I was becoming popular). All the teachers, students of the other sections as well as the seniors would ask, “Are you the same? Heard a lot about you?” It would inflate my chest for about two inches. Stories of my hopelessness were crossing the boundaries.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Misadventures of a Software Engineer- The School Days

How can the misadventures of a SW engineer be un-noticed at school. Although my journey as a so called engineer started in college but as we say, "Coming events cast their shadow before" arthat 'Poot ke paanv palne me hi pehchaan liye jate hain' so my school days were no exception. One of the earliest memories which I have and are worth mentioning come out of class seventh. This was the time when I joined this new school. My father was totally against it and wanted me to continue with my older school. But I was fed up. So I needed a change. I din not know whether this new school was good or bad but I desperately wanted to join it. In fact I bought the form myself, wrote the examination, cleared it and got the provisional admission slip. All my dad had to do was to sign the fee cheque.

So here comes my first day at school. When I entered the class, it was probably a free period. Class VII A E/M. English Medium was a big thing for me as my earlier education was medium less and not so enchanting. How will be the guys? Do they always speak English? How will I survive? These questions were haunting my mind. When I entered the class, the guys were busy playing cricket with the chalks and hard board while the girls were chit-chatting with their handkerchiefs in one hand and waving the other hand in a typical girlish way. A monitor like creature was trying to calm them down. By the sound of my footsteps, class thought in a jiffy that it was some teacher and for the spur of a moment there was pin-drop silence and all eyes stared at me. Then there was a galore of Ho-Ha-Ha…..

I was about to cry. Seeing giants at the backseat and chintoos at the front seat and studious and seemingly intelligent guys in between. My heart surely was not beating but drumming. All of a sudden a seemingly aged and mature guy rose out of nowhere and said-, “Ao beta” (come child come)

I raised my eye-brows pointed my index finger towards him and signaled through eyes “Did you Identify me”

“Haan, pehchaan liye beta”

This was Manish Bhatnagar, my childhood enemy…..I was about to freeze in the scorching heat of June.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Trivedi's SCOTT FREE Theory

Oft I had heard of bloggy ray and when I crossed the wild I chanced to see at the break of day a bloggy blogger wild. Crap nobody is going to understand it.......nien me.

Okay to cut short it means that my latest post is inspired by an idea from another 'Blogger Bhrata'

http://finite-space.blogspot.com/2008/06/some-ramblings-after-visit-to-doctor.html

Fear of the aftermath in itself is a pronunciation of power. As far as relations or “selfless love” is concerned it is the exponent of power. Fundamental theory of "SCOTT FREE” Every relationship be it personal or professional consists of entities. These entities tend to Scot free in absence of any force. But there lies an intrarelational force which is directly proportional to the product of the powers vested in the entities.

F=K*P1*P2

Where K is an intrarelational constant and is dependent upon the effect of society or operating environment upon the individuals. Also to hold a relationship the value of F should lie within an optimal traceability bracket. i.e. if F is more than the upper threshold value or is less than the lower threshold; the relationship dies down. How ever before dying the relationship enters a transient state and might be oscillatory in nature.

I have also formulated a boss-sub-ordinate and Mother-Son relationship analogy and sucessfully fitted it into the formula. But am too lazy to write it down...aur aajkal meri vartani-trutiyan arthat spelling mistakes bhi bahut hoti hain.....fir likhenge...waise Scott ki sahi spelling Scott hai ya Scot ye mujhe zarror batana :-)

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Misadventures of a Software Engineer-The Beginning

Well I initially thought of this project as “Ek Software Engineer Ki Aatmkatha” to be written in Hindi but my typing skills in Hindi (after so much of a use of Indic Transliteration) have not changed yet. I might take me a decade or so if I really type all the misadventure stuff in Hindi. But for Hindi lovers I will hit back…-)
How it all started has a nice story behind it. I, my Project Manager and a colleague of ours were at the lunch table in our office canteen. Soon another friend of us joins us and asks me to shift – “Abe udhar hat!”

I said “yaar, thodi to izzat karo, aakhir main bhi ek insaan hoon.”

She said, “tum insaan kahan ho tum to Software Engineer ho!”

Unknowingly she had said a great sentence. And then I realized that SW Engineers are a community of their own. The caste, creed, religion, sex are these are a far cry for SW engineers. Soon I realized that how non-discriminatory we are! Soon I realized that they might have been biologically females but they were SW engineers. What if it was Eid, Rehman might know but production server does not! What if she was four months pregnant, her family might know but version 6.0 does not!Then I realized that slowly but unknowingly we have moved out of this breed called human. And so are our misadventures.

So the misadventures are many--infact, to find out from where to start is in itself a misadventure. Well, I was a software engineer by an accident, so are 99% of this community. I did not know what to do. I was not only unclear but also least bothered for my future. So what, I became a SW engineer. Afterall one has to do something in ones life. Okay, lemme tell you it was my 'FATHER'..... Had he not brought that Pre-Engg Entrance form? Okay, even if he brought the form; Why did he wake me up? I was in such a sound sleep that day..... daaad!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Pappu can't code saala

This is a as it is copy of a forwarded mail. Like it so copied it.-:)

Kit kit kat kat, kat kit kat kat, Kit kit kat kat, Let's code] 2
Hai bachelor (hai bachelor), Has lotsa dollar (lotsa dollar).
Hai bachelor, has lotsa dollar.
Spectacular! He's a developer (he's a developer, he's a developer).
Pappu ka dimaag tez hai, Pappu ko breaks ka craze hai.
Pappu ka chashma thick black, Pappu dikhta geek hai (geek hai).
Swatch ki ghadi hathon mein, Gale mein tag company wala.
[Par Pappu can't code saala] 2
Han Pappu code likh nahi sakta!
Paida Pappu hua to outsourcing aa thamki.
Angrezon ke muh se nikhli gandhe gaaliyon ki dhamki.
(hey aye aye) Pappu karta hey cut copy paste.
(hey aye aye) Tester logon ka time karta hey waste.
(hey aye aye) Pappu manager logon ka yaar hai.
(hey aye aye) Pappu beer peene mein toh star hai.
[But Pappu can't code saala] 2
Haan Pappu code likh nahi sakta!

Papa kehte the bada kaam karega.
Nahi patha tha Pappu bus maska marega.
(hey aye aye) Pappu ke paas hai MBA.
(hey aye aye) Manata hai onsite jaise ho holiday.
(hey aye aye) Pappu keyboard bajata hai.
(hey aye aye) Jahaan bhi jata hai, wapus aa jata hai.
[Cos Pappu can't code saala] 2
Haan Pappu code likh nahi sakta.
Yeah.Pappu can't code saala.!
Courtesy: Mail Forward

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Did I Earn a Date...?

Well, with due apologies towards All Boys Association (ABA) and Bajrangi Dal* I shamefully pronounce that off late I have been experiencing the pitfall of dating. Exclusively mentioning – I sinfully dated a girl.

By the way my personal record of Dating-Frequently and Frequent-Dating is still intact.
@Maximum 5 dates a day with none of my dates lasting more than three dates. So the fortunate (same level of fortune as Harman brings to Priyanka) incident took place in an Astounding Place called Sahara Gunj (If I begin appraisal of this place, surely will I need another story). Remember, if you have not seen this mall than your visit to West Edmonton Mall (if you have been there) is nullified. Finding what you want is a real task in this place and if what you want is called shoes then I am sure it’s better to follow Mahatma Gandhi. I really have no idea so as to where do they get their inventory from. You won’t find any thing which is unflashy and less than a 3-4 thousand. They are so blue so green so red so that I started believing in those chee-chee shoes of my one year old niece. At last I decided to leave the place and chose the escalator way instead of the elevator which already was showing the overload signal.

~While I was trying my luck and skills with the escalator (remember me you need sheer luck and a Diploma in Escalator Alightment if you want to alight one at Sahara Gunj), a mass of approx. 45 Kg. collided with a perfectly plastic body(my Universal Elastic Constant is zero) from rear with a momentum of 550 Kg.-m/sec. With the sheer nature of impact I understood that it was me who has to be sorry irrespective of whose mistake it was. This was the time when I came to know that I am real bad at approximations because the colliding object at least 20-30% in excess of my approximation.

“Oh my God!! BEEP-BEEP, tum yahan kaise!!!” She said (Adult content prohibited. As I also am mathematically an adult so you will hear beep-beep instead of my name)
(Kyon main yahan aa nahin sakta kya? As if I was an untouchable in a pro-Manu society and this mall was a great temple. Ya fir meri shakal pe likha hai ki meri jeb mein paise nahin hain and this mall needs a big ticket.)

“Tum batao tum kaisee ho!!” I was trying to identify her. But in all I was in the seventh heaven because it was for the first time that a girlish creature has identified me in public. I already started looking a perspective date in her. What if I did not identify her, I was trying hard.


“You know, today itself we were talking about you. Infact, I was about to call you. Your file is with me.” I was clueless so as to which file she was talking about and why was she about to call me.

“Aur batao baki log kaise hain?” I asked this so that I can get a clue whether she was with me in school, college or somewhere else.

After a brief conversation I recalled that we were schoolmates. Danke, gut!! Soon I also came to know that she was something something in some bank and had a meeting with my loan application this afternoon.
By now I started thinking that I have impresssed her substancially; afterall she has seen my salary slip, my stocks and securities status, my bank acoount statement, my 3X3 H1B type photograph. Moreover she had seen me sucessfully getting the space for my two feet on that escalator. What else could I ask for?

Within minutes we were like deadlocked pals. I wanted to ask her number but did not want to look desparate. I was pretending as if I had scores of girlfriends and was not interested too much in this old school pal. The reality was that I wanted only one thing - her phone number. She was talking a hell lot about old school mates which I harly remembered but was trying hard to remember.

Finally I was able to take two things from her- 1. her number and 2. a promise to be in touch.
By the way I was more interested in that touch thing.

At around 10 PM I got a call from her, "Did you reach safely? Just wanted to ask." In fact I was a bit disturebed by her call. I thought that I should have called her and asked the same thing. How rude of me? I took a pause and said, "Just reached"

"Why so late? Raste me kahin ruk gaye the- girlfriend-shirlfriend!!" I was so shocked to hear the tone and the level of intimacy she poured into this sentence. As usual I was unable to make out whether this intimacy was normal or implied? I had no clue what did it mean?

So guys the story is up to you... I will complete it but let me give you the opportunity to guess the advancements...... comments welcome......

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Movies I Watched In Past One Month

  1. Serendipity
  2. I Am Legend
  3. Stars Wars 1
  4. Star Wars 2
  5. Matrix
  6. Matrix Reloaded
  7. Matrix Revolution
  8. Bourne Identity
  9. Bourne Supremacy
  10. Bourne Ultimatum
  11. Friday the 13th I
  12. Friday the 13th II
  13. I Know What You did Last Summer
  14. I Still Know What U did Last Summer(II)
  15. Wrong Turn
  16. Resident Evil
  17. Resident Evil 2
  18. Resident Evil Extinction
  19. My Little Eye
  20. The Scorpion King
  21. Pirates of the Caribbean
  22. Pirates of the Caribbean 2
  23. Pirates of the Caribbean 3
  24. Spiderman 1
  25. Spiderman 2
  26. Spiderman 3
  27. X-Men 1
  28. Xmen 2
  29. X-Men 3
  30. MI 1
  31. MI 2
  32. MI 3
  33. The Clearing
  34. The Shooter
  35. Double Jeopardy
  36. Black Rain
  37. Hollow Man 1
  38. Hollow Man 2
  39. Species 1
  40. Species 2
  41. Species 3
  42. AP Beta House
  43. The Message
  44. Con Air
  45. Paycheck
  46. Italian Job
  47. The Sum Of all fears
  48. The Peacemaker
  49. The Guns of Navarone
  50. The Da Vinci Code
  51. The Hades Factor
  52. The Grudge
  53. Dawn of the Dead
  54. House of the Dead
  55. Hannibal
  56. The Ring 1
  57. The Ring 2
  58. Oceans 11
  59. Oceans 12
  60. Superman 1
  61. Superman 2
  62. Home Alone
  63. Home Alone 2
  64. Home Alone 3
  65. Home Alone 4
  66. The Fast and the Furoious
  67. 2F2F
  68. TF&TF:TD
  69. National Treasure
  70. Scream 1
  71. Scream 2
  72. Psycho
  73. Broken Arrow

Bollywood

  1. RAJA HINDUSTANI
  2. PYAR JHUKTA NAHIN
  3. GHAR EK MANDIR
  4. PARMATMA
  5. GHAR JAMAI
  6. QSQT
  7. MANN
  8. ISHQ
  9. DIL
  10. DIL HAIKI MANTA NAHIN
  11. HAHK
  12. DTPH
  13. DIL KYA KARE
  14. CHANDRAMUKHI
  15. PYAR KIYA TO DARNA KYA
  16. MAINE PYAAR KIYA
  17. HUM HAIN RAHI PYAAR KE
  18. DDLJ
  19. SWARG SE SUNDAR
  20. GHAR KA CHIRAAG
  21. PARIVAAR
  22. SWARG YAHAN NARK YAHAN
  23. JAISI KARNI WAISI BHARNI
  24. ADMI KHILONA HAI

A few remaining forgot their names. ASA I remember I will update. 73 Hollywood and 24 bollywood so total 73*2+24*3=218 Movie hours i.e

218/30=7.23 Movie hours per day. Tremendous effort. Keep it up.....

Friday, June 13, 2008

Didi, Main Samajhdaar Ho gaya..

Every cloud has a silver lining. I was unaware of the practical implications of the saying until a month ago. Having been advised a complete bedrest on my personal bed I chanced to see at the break of day and at the onset of evening so many a movies that I never thought I would have watched. It might be hard to believe that it was the first time I watched all time classics like DDLJ or Hum Apke Hain Kaun(HAHK)or Maine Pyar Kiya or Dil or Hum Hain Rahi Pyaar Ke or Dil Hai Ki Manta Nahin or DTPH.

Then I regretted not watching them at their proper or release time. I tried to find out the answer why I did not see all those classics before? Infact, I have never been a great movie buff but in my early twenties (which I still believe I am in :-) ) I started picking some of them by chance because the only PVR in my city opened very close to “The Cheers-The Chilled Beer Shop”

My analysis says that the time when DDLJ or HAHK etc were released was when I was in my teens, full of anger and disgust. My plans were limited to bully schoolmates or being bullied by them. Ladai-Jhagda Maar-Peet were the favourite timepass. So were my favourite films and actors. Ghayal, Ghatak, Damini, Salakhein, Loha, Kshatriya were my favourite movies and Sunny Deol was my favorite actor.

Khair now I know why DDLJ was such a big hit and what a piece of entertainment it still is!!! I still think it succeeded becoz of that last action packed sequence when Raj picks up his gun :-) Action Lovers die hard :-)

Me and my Didi always had a fight when the “cable wala” showed DDLJ on one channel and Ghayal on the other.

“kitni ghatiya picture hai didi, tum humesha hi ise laga kar baith jati ho pachason baar to dekh chuki ho!! Wo lagao na Sunny Deol waali.”

“Beta ye samajhdaar logon ki picture hai, gunde mawaliyon ki nahin…”

Didi, Looks like main samajhdaar ho gaya…ab mujhe DDLJ samajh aatee hai…

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Quote of Tonight

Say no to studies, Save trees.

...........................suprem Trivedi

I quote an e-quote

"50% of the problems happen in software industry because there exists a document for it and this document and only and only this document has been used to solve the problem. 50% of the people who solve 100% of problem never knew of the document. But the jobs of the 100% of those 50% people who know 100% of the document and never knew problem are because of this document." ............. Messed!!!!!
............... by Suprem Trivedi in 21st century

"Quote of the Night"

Ever since my childhood, I have heared, listened .. ok ok overheared!! the phrase or whatever you call it "Quote of the Day". I mean why just the quote of the day, why not quote of the night? In this so much homogenously globalized world, the quote of the day for you can very well be the quote of the night to somebody on the other side of the globe. Why this discrimination? Why this injustice to night? So let me take the honour to rectify the injustice done by milleniums. Here comes the "Quote of the Night" for you.


"Never spit against the wind....you shall wet your own face..."..!

Monday, March 3, 2008

quotes from movies

My mother used to say that taste of onion keeps on changing layer by layer and also doth changes with each layer is the nature(impact) of tears.

1. मेरी माँ कहा करती थी के प्याज की हर एक तह के साथ उसका स्वाद बदल जाता है। और हर एक तह के साथ बदल जाती है आंसुओं की तासीर भी।

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Quote of the Year

Edison spent his whole life and invented Electric Bulb. I bought it for Rs. 10.
........................................ Suprem Trivedi

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Hate at first sight........................... Why do I not like?

I could have well written the title as "Why don't I like?" but I did not. Why? Because I do not like to use "Why don't I like?" The choice is clear but the matter is not. Why do I not like? Frankly speaking, I do not even know the answers of these questions. This happens to me. Dislike without reason.

Many a times it has happened to me that I have started disliking a person in the very first meet. This is as important a feeling as is a Love at First Sight.Is it?

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Why do girls study till the last minute?

A few weeks ago I attended an interview of a major IT giant. The interview was for some 10-12 odd attendees half of them being girls. Most of them were 3-7 years experienced and looking for a smooth sail. As usual I was late by a large larger and largest margin. I believe you will call 4 PM as late for a 1 PM call. But what I saw there was something so natural, so usual and so obvious that I was not at all taken by surprise. These 3-4 pretty prettier and prettiest girls were mugging up something from a book which was proportionate in the weight to their mass. Although I had to leave but I stayed there to see those books (of course). They were the girls from all the nooks and corner of India. Punjaban by mass, Bangalan by eyes, Southian by everything that I could barely see and don't ask me How did I identify the Marathan. The crisp is that they all were busy mugging up something or the other. Now can anybody answer this for me?

  • When I was in fifth standard She was in my bus and kept reading till the last minute of the class test or examination. ("She" here is a common noun representing the whole fairer community)
  • When I was writing High School /Intermediate board I could see "She" whether in rickshaws, autos, on foot, buses, cars or at the back seat of her father's/brother's scooter she was busy learning sorry reading sorry mugging something or the other.
  • When I was writing JEE/UPSEAT or any other entrance examination I again saw "She". This time also she was doing some research or invention by reading those coaching notes.
  • When I was in College I again saw her whether it be Class Test or End Semester "She" was again doing some extraordinary research till the last minute and till the final semester.
  • Then came the campus recruitment interview this time also "She" became slimmer and her book became fatter. Till there was a call from interview board, she was discovering something in this book. She went a few steps then again came back saw something important in the book turned a few rims of orient glossed paper and then finally went to the interview panel.
  • And then this inteview for senior laterals. God! they were hiring program managers and "She" was again found doing some research till the last minute
Can anybody find her for me? "She" must have won several Nobel prizes by now?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

EGO Metamorphosis

Both guys and girls have ego in fact this is the only trait which demarcates human beings from other creatures.Ego is the most important constituent of a relation ship mother-son relationship has a childish ego. You will say any thing to your mother or demand anything from her because you own her she is your mother. This is an example of Childish Ego.Father also has an ego. This is called The Domination Ego. Father as the head of the family has to carry it. You can say "Maa, zara paani dena” can you ever say "Pitaji, zara paani dena" no, not at all because The domination Ego is greater than Childish Ego.
How ego gets changed and exchanged during a male-female relationship

1. Both are strangers -- No Ego Overlapping

2. Forming Stage This is the relationship forming stage. The guy subdues his ego because he is always taught to win a girl. A girl has a higher ego cause she is taught that she is at the higher end of the relationship. It is she who is going to make the decision or the choice. So ego bias is towards the girl. Decision making power is biased towards the girl. Powerful Ego-The Girl ego.

3. The Norming Stage: Now the relationship enters a norming stage where both the parties have spend quite a amount of time with each other. Now the male ego needs a space. But the female ego is already stereotyped. Ego status is still biased towards the female. She enjoys a greater lot but the male ego has stated inflating. This leads to the next stage called STORMING

4. The STORMING STAGE: 90% of the relationships don't cross this stage. This stage is a real test of egos. As the relation progresses and the love factor comes in, it gives birth to the conflict/war of egos. Male feels love. He compares it with the Motherly love. When a guy needs love he wants it as unselfish as his motherly love. When a gorl feels love she sees her father/big-brotherin it. Some one who has always cared for his daughter.sister. The girls’ expectation are that she should be cared, respected and loved.But the boy is having a childish ego at this stage. This creates storming and clashes because of differences in expectations. Ego bias-disputed. Relationship determinator-disputed.Now comes the final stage the performing stage

5. THE PERFORMING STAGE: 80% of the times girls make a compromise to turn the relationship from STORMING TO PERFORMING. because they understand childish ego of boys. They have lerned this from their moher/grand mother. in this stage the EGO is with boys but the relationship head and the intelligent party is the GIRL. Now the parties in the relationship have turned into partners. EGO BIAS is MALE relationship head is female.

Then comes the marrrige and all the fundas fail. lady rules everything and every where.... hahahahaahha


DISCLOSURE:
1. Author is a freelance writer for human relations and runs an advisory service.
2. Author might or might not have similar positions while writing recommendations.
3. Rules expressed here are a personal research and observation. Any gains or losses following these advise will have zero liability on the author.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Today's Mantra - Love and Relatives

Friends,
On popular demand, this section gets a rebirth. Now I will give you a mantra and logic behind it. The quotes here are trully original and free to propagate but 'Propagation requires Mention.' I am so selfish..here comes the mantra.

In love, you love without knowing whether there will be a relationship or not. In relations, you have relations without knowing whether there will be a love or not.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Virginity Prostitutionalized or Prostitution Virginized

There is marginal difference between a virgin and a prostitute, both are averse to change. One does not want to cut the crab but love, fondle and romance are always welcome while other does not want to love, fondle and romance but cutting the crab is always welcome.
======Dil Dosti Etc....==================================================

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Maula Mere Le Le Meri Jaan

(bhiga/tija tera rang tha main toh - 2
jiyaan tere dhang se main toh, tu hi tha maula tu hi aan
maula mere le le meri jaan - 2) - 2
tere sang kheli holi, tere sang ki diwaali
tere angano ki chhaaya, tere sang saawan aaya
pher le tu chaahe nazarein, chaahe chura lein
laut ke tu aayega re shart laga le
bhiga/tija tera rang tha main toh - 2
jiyaan tere dhang se main toh, tu hi tha maula tu hi aan
maula mere le le meri jaan - 2
mitti meri thi bhuri, wahi mere ghi aur churi??
wahi raanjhe mere woh heer, wahi sevaiya, wahi khir
tujhse hi ruthana re, tujhe hi manaana
tera mera naata koi duja na jaana
bhiga/tija tera rang tha main toh - 2
jiyaan tere dhang se main toh, tu hi tha maula tu hi aan
maula mere le le meri jaan - 4

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Penny Wise Pound Foolish



It was 9.45 p.m. I was returning from a bad day at work. My boss had manhandled me all day long. One of the reasons he seemed to be frustrated was an icicidirect.com window, which was open on my desktop from 10 to 3. Same day, I had lost 9000 rupees in a single trade within a span of two hours. I was angry with myself, not because I lost money, but because I traded in futures & options instinctively. I had warned myself against this many times before, but failed once again to show discipline.All in all, it was a bad day and I felt like taking some ‘medicinal fluid’ to forget everything and get some good sleep. On last couple of occasions I had been to some high-end bars and it had cost me dearly. So this time I walked into a low-end country liquor shop (deshi daruche dukan). The place was such that I was sure none of my friends, colleagues, relatives, or acquaintances could ever think of coming there. So I was relaxed as there was no scope for any undesired chance-meetings. The ambience interested me. That same well-known strong fragrance was freshening the entire place. Lots of singing and shouting was enlivening the liquor shop. I could see how people were more addicted to the place, than the medicine. I purchased a bottle filled with yellow liquid and a 300 ml bottle of soda, picked up a glass, and took a place in a corner.After making myself comfortable on a three-legged mini-stool, I prepared that evening’s first peg, said cheers to myself and started sip-by-sip. Inspite of soda, I could sense that the concentration of alcohol was much better than in any of those top brands in high-end bars. I was the only one there doing things methodically with a glass and a soda bottle. Most others kept things simple by using just the yellow bottle.Two pegs later, I got bored of watching a man sitting two tables away, totally out of his senses, singing for me. Neither the song, nor the tone was changing. Just then, an old man came and sat in front of me. I put on my specs to assist my poor eyesight which got poorer after just three pegs. Oh my god! I couldn’t believe it! It was Albert Einstein sitting in front of me with a yellow bottle in his hands!Albert started in a disappointed tone, “You have changed mak… changed for the worse… recall those school days when you used to happily spend n number of hours solving algebraic equations… those lectures full of D-group problems when you looked more comfortable than your teacher … those nights when you measured time not in hours and minutes, but by the number of calculus problems that you just solved…. Where has that passion gone mak?”I tried to defend myself, “You seem to be taking things too seriously Sir. Please don’t misunderstand me. I haven’t lost my roots. Now a days I spend most of my time either studying balance sheets or writing pieces of C code. Both these areas of work are nothing but applications of our subject Sir.”I felt bad that Albert too was upset with me like everyone else and that was reason enough for two more pegs. After a few minutes of silence, one more man, not as old as Albert, joined us. I looked at him closely and got one more shock. It was Warren Buffet, world’s second-richest man! Now I was convinced that people chose country liquor for reasons beyond budget.Warren who was standing besides Albert and listening all this while said, “Forget the past Mak. Past is all dead history. Look into the future. That is where you have to spend the rest of your life. It doesn’t really matter whether you loved maths or some neighborhood girl when you were a kid. The only thing that really matters is the rate of return at which you can compound your wealth over the next 30 years. Be my follower for these 30 years and thereafter you may spend rest of your life solving simultaneous equations, or counting numbers from 1 to 100, or whatever Albert says.”I thought I understood what Warren was saying. But, with Warren, came memories of those 9000 rupees I lost a few hours back. Bullshit! How can I do that! One more bout of frustration and anger. And two more pegs. This time no soda.Crowd was growing and there were no stools left for standing people to sit. It hardly mattered as no one had any issues with sitting on the floor. Few were even enjoying rolling over their back like pigs. By now many people were standing around our table and may be few of them who knew English were following our conversation. One of them was an oldish foreigner with round specs, a little younger than Warren but not young enough to be called young. Oh great! Even foreigners are fond of the Indian taste. This foreigner suddenly started talking and I realized that this too was a well known personality. If Albert and Warren can come here, then what’s there to be surprised on seeing Bill Gates?He said, “Don’t listen to Warren. He just got a little lucky in the stock market. You yourself have been seeing charts and trying to find correlation between trend-lines and top-lines and bottom-lines. Tell me if you have found any damn meaning in the random walk of stock prices. True wealth is made, not by gambling with lottery tickets, but by switching jobs… just keep revising Tenenbaum’s data structures… and always keep in mind that heap-sort has the worst case complexity of O(n log n) …. Keep updating your Resume on naukri.com and when someone calls up, just let him know that you know all about that n-log-n… and he shall immediately offer you 40% more than what your current employer is giving. 40% !! Mind you, Warren never got anything better than 32% p.a. in his entire life. Always remember… never ever forget n-log-n.”Out of all of Bill’s wisdom, the only word that caught my attention was ‘40%’. It reminded me of my latest job-switch which fetched me just 33.3% due to my own stupidity during the bargaining-interview… I mean the HR interview… yet another bout of frustration… this time I was in such hurry that I did not even bother to pour into the glass… I just approximately measured two pegs while drinking directly from the bottle… its easy… one peg is two mouthfuls of liquid… but remember, for this measurement to give accurate results, a mouthful has to be truly a full mouth.Just then, the bulkiest man around, banged his hand on our table. He seemed to be getting really annoyed by old men’s words of advice.Arnold was standing right at the center of the liquor shop, holding a glass of milk. He began in a firm voice, “Mak, just ignore all this non-sense blabber. Look at all these old people and look at me. Tell me where real life is. Just look. Don’t think. Thinking is not good for health as it redirects all the oxygenated blood supply from muscles to brain.” Here, I thought for a moment and got a little worried about my liver.Arnold continued, “What love for maths is this Albert talking about? First ask him to go and learn how to comb his hair. I can’t understand how all this number work is going to help you in any way. All you need to know is how to count from 1 to 20, as no exercise needs more than 20 repetitions per set.Bill and Warren are living poorer lives than Albert. He is atleast enjoying his life multiplying c by c and then again m. Look at these two beggars. They have half the wealth of this world but are dying to get the other half. Off course their ageing bones won’t allow them to do so and they will die unsatisfied. A man’s wealth is not measured by what he owns but by how much more he desires.If you spend all your time slogging like a dog, you will off course make loads of money. But what are you going to do with all that money? After all, a daily healthy meal of roasted chicken and boiled eggs, and a few body fitting t-shirts don’t need more than a few thousand rupees.Listen to me. Burn all those books. Sell all your stocks and put your money in a 8% post-office FD. Ask your boss to move you from development team to some low-profile documentation team. And start concentrating on your work-out routine and diet.”I decided to follow Arnold’s advice. There was some 200 ml liquid remaining in the bottle for which I had paid 85 rupees upfront. I like these country liquor shops which insist on payment before use. That shows the faith they have in the effectiveness of their product. I knew this was my last bottle and my liver shall live happily hereafter. So without calculating how many pegs make 200 ml, I gulped it all down my throat and started walking out like a true drunkard, recalling an irrelevant out-of-context poem… ”when the mind is without fear… and the head is held high… where words come out from the depth of truth… where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way…”
-------from where is as is basis from http://makyakoky.blogspot.com/ with due thanks

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Day Three...... "POPYE HAD SPINACH" --Two Point Five Cans + Guru Bhai-Guru Bahi Achhya Chhe....

So guys, Day three in this Bullish World.
I was too bearish to be in the driving seat, cause bulls were roaring high and "Popye's spinach was lost". So I decided to give him a mild dose of his spinach.
Mild=2.5 Cans of Haywards 5000

Popye had his spinach, saved his olive and then watched Guru Bhai.

But still Popye sings "Ek Akayla is sheher me, raat me aor dopahar me.....aashiyana....dhoondta hai..........."

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Teetotaller...........Day Two

Guys this is not done.
It was only second day of mine as a teetotaller. For the past one year We have been doing things that can be only be done not discussed. And our landlord had no probs. But today, today I was good, undrunk and and and I was so good in this bad world. But we had an altercation with him.................He was drunk badly and we were on back foot.....................................................

At last we decided that we will leave this house. Daily this bad man will bully us masoom people and we will be bullied because we are good. I, I am a teetotaller, a non smoker, a soft spoken, a cool minded, an intelligent man........................and it is just my second day in this bloody scary world; and they don't let me live..................God save the Sheep......Wolf is Thy World.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Teetotaller...............Day one

Last Day I was a teetotaller. I was as normal as I have always been. People say I look fresh and my usability looks enhanced. Everybody has his own axe to grind.
Some people want me this way beacuse they want me to give them my time.
Some people want me to remember them so they hate me booze.
Some people pray my absitence so that I could not play an excuse to avoid them online.
Some people want me to avoid this brillint isotropically isotropic fluid lest I should harm myself while riding.

Thanks to you all who have so lovely feelings for me. I know it is all your love which has been driving me through this dense and highly unpacked world.


But I miss my love.................
I lost her for a day just because of petty few hundred bucks............Money I shall have my revenge and thou shall repent till eternity. Today it might turn up my second lonely day.
I hate you world................................But you won't be able to separate us for long.

But Let Us See U All love me much or I love her more...........Day two follows

Friday, January 5, 2007

Mantra for today

I you can buy it for money, why spent emotions for that.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

(B)(K)abul Expressed

  1. Babul and Kabul both rhyme as Humpty-Dumpty.
  2. Both made me loose a considerable amount of my head-top hairs.
  3. Both the movies witnessed my right hand rubbing against a pretty female audience in the pre-intermission session. (Alas! during both the movies my right hand seat was vacant during the post interval session)
  4. Toilets of both the theaters i.e. PVR and Shubham where Babul and Kabul were released respectively were more appealing than the movies themselves.
  5. A creature called John Abraham is rarely available with both the projects.
  6. 'Disprin' the directors of this drug are highly philic to the manufacturers of both the movies.
  7. Babul is a documentary of pre-independence era which emphasizes the aftermath and acceptance of the reforms carried out by Lord William Bentick. On the contrary, Kabul tries to be a documentary of the post liberalization era which reinforces the concept of 100% FDI (Foolishly Dumped or Invested) in the fields of Media/anti-Entertainment.
  8. Never mention, both were released on Fridays to make a feel as if they were movies.
  9. Hopefully and by His grace those Fridays were not Dry Days.
  10. And at last but not the least, both of them witnessed enhanced business to the divorce specialists.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

An Enforced Story

ACT I SCENE I
“Hey, you people wait while I get some candies.” This was his daily affair. While we smoked and burnt our tracheoles, Vikram would bring us some candies. Hardly had it ever happened that he returned bare handed. In essence, his candies were an integral part of our dessert course. (Dessert was the code name we used for our smoking course after lunch). “Yaar, where is he stuck up? Is he like preparing candies or what?” – Today Vikram was late by miles.

But this time he returned; and returned not only bare handed but also red faced-
“Maa! This is what? You took money from my wallet.”
“Wo, beta”
“Kya wo beta? Scores of times I’ve told you. At least you should have told me…..and why mom why….I go to the shop and find my purse ruined. I mean, I feel damn insulted in front of my friends. Whenever you do some thing, you do it wrong.”
“Son, I forgot. I was busy preparing breakfast when your dad asked for some change for his morning pills.”
“Okay-okay I’ve had enough of you and dad. Hang-up now or you wanna tell me the whole Ramayana. Pleaaaase…… ”

I was a mute spectator(a writer should always be). Soon Vikram returned to his 32$ smile. But I could sense the ACT II of the story. And nonetheless I smelled the concluding act but I still waited for that to happen.
More than a few months or probably somewhere near about a year later………..
Ontogeny one again is ready to recapitulate Phylogeny

ACT II SCENE I
Same place, same scene, same situation, same plot as Act I but this time Vikram returned with a new 64$ smile.
“Yaar, ha-ha……you know when I opened the wallet at the shop to pay….ha-ha. I knew it was you honey……..”
His voice was fading like last of the last harmonics or probably I was not listening to that cellular conversation. After all what a writer needs, a true ending and that I had already got…………


Saturday, November 25, 2006

Ever Climbed Everest!

I know, the topic at a first glance would either surprise you or you shall take it in another sense. You might think that I am going to talk about some Herculean task and I symbolize it by saying “Ever Climbed Everest!” No, this time when I say that I literally mean that. “Have you ever climbed Everest?” Most of you will answer in negative (If you are one of the Sherpa Tenzings or Santosh Yadavs then please go at the top of this page and click “next blog”).

And If I say that I have climbed Everest, you will surely like to see my forehead and find out whether it has been bannered “Big Fool”. How does one climb the Everest? With the help of some mountaineering tools, ropes, anchors etc…etc.
Does everybody who has these tools can climb the Everest? (No, one who is self motivated, dedicated and blah-blah ….adjectives, he only can climb the Everest – I read this in some children’s book)
So this means that a person’s determination, endurance and many other so called good qualities written in books use these tools through his limbs to climb the Everest.
Now the question arises – How does a person feel when he waves his flag standing at the top of the highest summit in this world? His legs feel tired, hands feel stiff, and body feels lack of Oxygen. Are these all the symptoms of vincing the Everest? How does a man feel when he has reached at the top to be more precise how does his mind feel. What is the state of his mind? Is it a finite state?
Now, here come I with the real issue. If the mental state attained by the Victor is finite and stable then-then-then he probably has fallen a prey into the hands of his mind. His mind wanted to go to a finite and stable state with lesser potential energy just like any Finite State Machine. The activation energy required for the process was too high. So mind used determination, enthusiasm and many other adrenalin flowing qualities to prepare the Limbs to cross that energy barrier and complete the mental-state transfer.

Now I leave you with a thread………Can this reaction be performed in more than one ways. Is it possible to reach that finite mental-state where the mind believes that he has conquered Everest through any other path and not by actually climbing it. Can this reaction be facilitated by a catalyst…………….discussing in next thread.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Prohibition vs Pleasure

Many a times I think:
--Do we derive or tend to derive pleasure from the things which are prohibited. Or
--All the things which give real pleasure to us are prohibited (by either law or religion or society.)

The reason to support the first cause is too simple. You are prohibited to do some things from your very childhood. Don't shout! Don’t cry, don't demand, don't out-laugh, don't play in dirt, don’t go with those bad-boys. Then -- don't drive fast, don't ride fast, don't drink, no late night outs, not that girl, why that boy? Why on terrace? Why this tee? Why this skirt? In all by the end of the onset of adolescence we have heard so many WHYs and so many NOs that our next few years are mere manifestation of some miswritten rules.
But but but …..This is not as simple as that. Everybody knows that it is the fundamental human nature that you will always be inclined to do what you are told not to do. Did our parents know that? Yes they did. Do we know that? Yes we do. So would we impose such restrictions on our forthcoming generations even after knowing such gospel truth? Yes we would. This is the pinnacle of irony. Then why the poor mankind has been doing so for ages? Why practice such a prohibition as can incite utter acceptance and desire. The reason is too shaking, too hard to digest and as tough to explain as was for Galileo to convince the Church of roundness of Earth.

The truth is that the whole mankind has been fooled for ages by some clerics or lawmakers or so called denizens of God’s realm. Let us see it through an example-

It is said that “There is no shortcut for success”. Do you know who said that? The first man ever, who discovered the shortcut to success, said that. Why? Because he knew that there exists so easy a shortcut to success that any body can reach there - now or then. So he played a trick, pretending that success is too fierce a horse to ride and whosoever rides it has a very high chance of losing his legs. Hearing this, all except a very few people never tried to reach the success. Of those very few people, all but one chose the long way. They never reached the success. They got lost in that long way. The only one man, who chose the shortcut, reached the success. But then he again followed suit. He declared- “The path to success is a real deadly one. Only those who dare to die should try to reach success.” Consequently for the normal world, the path to success got tougher and tougher. Those who believed it to be tough and deadly never set a foot on that path and those who reached the destination never told anybody that success is so cheap.

The same logic applies to the second point:
--All the things which give real pleasure to us are prohibited (by either law or religion or society.)

Who incorporated this prohibition?
The first man who found out the real pleasure.

He came to know that real pleasure is so easy and cheap that any body can easily find it. So he propounded all those things in a prohibition list saying that they are so bad that one should never try it. Poor junta followed the same. Junta never dared to break those prohibitions and who dared and broke never told any body that the pleasure is so easy to get………….So the prohibitions continue and outlaws enjoy. Poor world curses them……and the legacy continues……